Onsen 3
by Neko Oni
Summary: In which Ichimaru is mistaken for Hitsugaya's father. Ichimaru torture.


WARNINGS: yaoi

PAIRINGS: Ichimaru/Kira, Aizen/Ichimaru

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Bleach.

SUMMARY: Now it's Ichimaru's turn to be tortured. Humor ahoy!

In which Ichimaru learns the joys of fatherhood, and Hitsugaya flips him the bird.

A continuation of my "onsen" series, inspired by the Shinigami Healthland omake at the end of whatever episode it was. Go look it up on youtube. I think it's shinigami's cup 74, but don't hold me to it.

Oh, by the way, onsen bathhouse

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ONSEN 3

By Neko Oni

"Um, Ichimaru-taichou, not to question orders or anything… but will we have enough time- I mean, that is, if we go to Shinigami Healthland, won't we get distracted from our paperwork, sir?" Kira nervously stood behind his taichou as they stepped up to the booth to pay the entrance fee. He wasn't too sure how productive doing their paperwork at a bathhouse would be, especially on the men's side, and most especially if Aizen-taichou was there. He shuddered, hoping against hope the fifth division captain wasn't. Last time, well, that had been a little too much –ehem- fun- for him.

Ichimaru looked at his fukutaichou over his shoulder with his ever-present, eerie grin in place. His tone was that of speaking to a child, or an idiot. "Of course, Kira, that's the idea. Rangiku's been too busy dragging that little snowball here to spend some… 'quality time' …with me, and if tenth division can come and do their 'paperwork' here, then surely we can as well."

"B-but, Ichimaru-taichou, we didn't bring any paperwork-" Kira stuttered.

Ichimaru's grin grew, silencing his subordinate, who quivered. "Exactly, Kira. Now quit questioning your taichou, before I begin to doubt your loyalty." Kira's blue eyes snapped wide open at this, and he grew deathly silent.

Behind the counter, the clerk was bent over picking up papers she'd dropped. All she heard was 'Rangiku', 'quality time', and 'me', and her brain put two and two together. She snapped up when Ichimaru stepped up to the counter, and pointed an accusing finger in his grinning face.

"Aha! I KNEW it! I just KNEW it!" She turned and hollered over her shoulder into the back room. . "Oi, Kagura, I TOLD you! I told you and told you and told you! But NOO, you wouldn't believe me! Well, now I have proof! Straight from the horse's mouth! So now you gotta pay up!"

The corners of his grin turned down slightly in annoyance. Why wasn't she squirming, being this close to him? Everyone else did; his presence had an unsettling effect on people. Which he enjoyed to the hilt- it made for hours of endless entertainment. When bored on patrol, or passing in the halls, terrorizing subordinate shinigami- especially the ones fresh from the Academy- never failed to amuse him. Everyone cowered before him- so why wasn't she? In fact, she was HAPPY to see him. What the fuck? His eyes tightened together. Did she forget her medication? He'd even been known to make hollows squirm. And this pathetic wretch from Rukongai had the nerve to point a finger in his face?

Any normal person, or hollow for that matter- would be writhing in fear by now. Ah, but that was the key, for no normal person worked at Shinigami Healthland. If any ever did, after the events they witnessed, and the strange shinigami who frequented the establishment, they resigned within a week at the most.

He couldn't hear what the other person in the back room said, but the clerk yelled back, "I was right! That skinny scarecrow with the scary grin is the father! You know, of the kid whose always coming in with the redhead who has the titanic tits?! I TOLD you and TOLD you it couldn't be the other white-haired guy, the one with the long hair- he's far too honorable and kind to knock a girl up then not do right by her! How much you wanna bet this unmarried lout here doesn't even pay child support?!"

The girl from the back poked her head out, staring at Ichimaru. She shuddered and quickly looked away. Good, at least one of them had a grain of sense. But Ichimaru was past mollification now. "Eeww! But the other guy's so handsome, and he's always giving that cutie-pie kid candy!" Ok, perhaps he spoke too soon.

The clerk rolled her eyes. "Well, wouldn't you, if you knew what-err-who his father was? I mean, I feel bad for the ickle darling. We should talk the boss into getting lollipops or something."

It was rare for Ichimaru to open his eyes. Even rarer was for the grin to fade. Right now, his face was blank with shock. His cunning, conniving mind was trying to process just what these twits were implying. He was going to impale them on his sword! Then they'd probably just accuse him of child abuse.

Kira chewed on his lower lip, staring at the back of his taichou's head. He didn't know if it was true or not, but this was going to be a great story when he went out drinking with the other vice captains. When the two clerks ignored them, still talking, and he noticed how dangerously quiet his taichou was, he peered around the taller man and cleared his throat. "Ex-excuse me, we would like two tickets please-"

"No, we don't. We have paperwork to do, back to the office, Kira." His voice was calm, cold, without it's usual mocking jeer. Kira shuddered and squeaked a response. He turned to follow his taichou, who was positioned just so for his zanpaktoh to extend, stabbing the girls through their hearts.

"Gin! Gin! Oi, hey! Ichimaru-taichou!" Matsumoto came running up to join them, her hair pulled up in a clip, big breasts swaying, and the small taichou of tenth division bouncing with them.

Ichimaru looked sideways at them, and his expression went from homicide to total annihilation. "Rangiku." His grin returned. "Hitsugaya-taichou."

Matsumoto was laughing. "Those girls gotta be drunk- where ever in the world would they get an idea like that! I'm too young to be a mother!" She sighed dreamily. "But that would be a dream job, though, working here. You can drink sake on the job!"

"….Don't you do that anyway, Matsumoto-san?" Kira asked drily.

"Oh, yeah!" She smiled. "Speaking of which, we got some um…paperwork… to do in the office. Gotta run! See ya, Gin, Kira!" With that she bounded off, Hitsugaya's head lounging on her shoulder, smirking like a cat full of the cream.

"Bye, 'daddy'!" He called sadistically, watching as Ichimaru twitched. He grinned, sticking out his tongue, then gave Ichimaru the middle finger. To add insult to injury, he snuggled into his fukutaichou and her wonderful, heavenly, big, bouncy breasts. She squealed happily and hugged him tighter.

"Ichimaru-taichou?" Kira peered up nervously at him. Ichimaru just stood there, twitching for several minutes before he finally spoke in a not-so-calm voice, "Lets, go, Kira."

"Taichou?"

"We're going to see Yamamoto-sotaichou for an emergency meeting. If Hitsugaya-kun likes acting like a spoiled brat, then he should be spanked like one."

"But, sir, " Kira said softly. "I thought you liked it when Aizen-taichou did the spanking."

OWARI

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Yes, I'm quite well aware that this is completely insane and utter crack. And, in the words of the infamous Rhett Butler, "Quite frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."


End file.
